1. Go to Lisa-jo Baker and learn what the day's word is. Today it is MESS.
2. Write your post in FIVE MINUTES. That's the rule. No editting or looking back, just five minutes of pure writing.
3. Link up.
4. Encourage the person who linked up before you. I tend to do two as link-ups sometimes mess up the order. BUT encourage those who have gone on before.
5. If you wish be kind, add the logo at the bottom of this post. :)
This morning, which is four days after surgery I woke up feeling pretty good. Clear headed, rip raring to go. I have to admit, I have found it difficult to be laid up, to be so tired that all I want to do is sleep. Hubby keeps telling me to chill out, to not be mad at myself since I can't really do much. But i tell him "I'm not made to just sit around'.
So anyways, I wake up feeling pretty good. I get downstairs (just 14 steps) and I'm feeling pooched. And I'm not happy.... 14 steps! that's it. I feel pooched and like I just want to nap. It's irritating. And because it's irritating I feel like a mess.... like the lad's room before I get vexed with it and clean it. I want this tiredness to be done and gone.
I want the bandages off, my garden planted, and to be able to everything I want to BY MYSELF. I don't want to need help.
But here I find myself. Needing to rely on my son and my hubby.
And I feel a mess inside.
Why is it so hard to just let it all go?
I have that in my relationship with God to you know... wanting to manage it all. Finding it hard to admit to the Good Lord that I need help.
And I do need help you know.
I need help to manage my emotions and my frustrations.
I need help understanding that sometimes a body needs time to recover.
I need help realizing that even if I want to .. .I am not the super woman that I want to be.
And so here I sit.... this mess... realizing that God knows me full well.
And he's patient and kind with me.
Holding me when I want to weep with frustration.
and he calls me his own.
He does you know.
He calls me his own.
He makes it so much better...even as I fight and want to manage it all myself.
He's given me a good hubby who reminds me constantly.. take it easy. Stop.. NO DON"T DO THAT! Let me help. And so he helps. And I learn to let go just a bit of the control I have. the desire I have to have it all done my way, and to realize it's okay if it's not all done the way I would do it. It's still done. It's still managed. And I can just rest.
And so, through my hubby's actions, I learn to rest a bit. To trust God all that more.
And this is good.